"We’re Having Dinner with..."

There are several stressful moments in the first few months of a new relationship but none so stressful as meeting family and friends for the first time. Don’t surprise your lover with an impromptu meeting. That simply isn’t fair. Everyone is entitled to make the best first impression they possibly can. Prepare your lover for the first meeting by giving them a little background, the dos and donts and any other information that may be helpful. Try not to give so much information that your lover feels intimidated or overwhelmed. This will only increase his or her anxiety which could be disastrous.

Many believe it is easier to meet friends rather family. Personally, it’s all the same. Your lover will be judged from the moment of introduction. Friends and family often know us better than we know ourselves, however, this does not mean that there assessment or opinion is unbiased and objective. Their goal is to make sure that your lover is the “right” or the best person for you. If family and friends are too judgmental, it can cause you to reject their input all together. This could put you at a disadvantage later down the line.

Understand that the judgment of family members originates from wanting to protect you – making sure that you have chosen a person who will love, cherish and care for you. If your lover is the complete opposite of what your family wants for you, expect there to be some resistance and clue your lover in on this. If you believe that your lover is a good human being, this resistance will fade after your lover has proven themselves. Family members also may have concerns regarding religion, race, gender and social status. Keep in mind that you cannot control how your family reacts to your lover. If you and your lover are an interracial couple or gay/lesbian couple or if your religious cultures are different, you need to expect to overcome some obstacles. Don’t set your family up for failure or embarrassment either. Try to make the first meeting comfortable for everyone involved – especially you. If your current relationship is not serious, then make the decision not to traumatize your family or your lover by introducing them to each other.

When introducing your lover to friends, there may be less anxiety because friends are more likely to see things from your point of view. Why? Because it’s easier on the friendship. Some friends will keep their personal opinions to themselves to keep peace while others will voice out loudly and will take the risk of alienating you and your lover. Some friends may have prior knowledge of your lover and make their judgment accordingly. Family and friends share many of the same areas of concern: background, economic/social status and behavior.

So what do you do if your family and friends don’t like your lover? Talk with your family members and ask why or what they don’t like. Having this conversation with your family doesn’t mean that you agree with them but, like it or not, it is a more objective opinion than yours. You are the one in love and we all know love is blind. If friends are hesitant to have this conversation, reassure them that this will not adversely affect your friendship and you value their opinion. While you may not act immediately on the insight of friends and family, their observations may be very helpful at a later date.

If your family and friends do not like your lover after the first or second meeting, give it a little time. Allow your lover an opportunity to prove himself or herself. Avoid running to family or friends when you are having a disagreement or argument with your lover. Lovers often disagree and lovers often make up. Don’t place your friends and family in the middle; it will definitely create problems later in the relationship. If you feel family and friends are being overprotective or unfair, let them know how you feel about your lover and then step back. Don’t force the issue – you can’t make people like someone if they don’t. Be respectful and considerate of all involved. Ultimately, you will decide if your lover is the right person for you – or not.