“Jealousy: Real or Perceived”

Jealousy is a very unpredictable and complex emotion. It is also said to be one of the “seven deadly sins.” Every human being has experienced jealousy at one point in time – from toddler to senior citizen. A little bit of jealously is quite natural and expected, however, out of control jealously can choke the life out of a relationship. In the realm of romantic relationships, there are two types of problematic jealousy: evidence-based jealousy and perceived jealousy without evidence. While both types can appear similar, at first glance, the latter can be destructive beyond imagination.

If your relationship has experienced the disruption and invasion of infidelity, this has created a great deal of mistrust and hurt (if you were the victim). Your jealousy is evidence-based. If your lover has cheated on you before, you have every emotional right to believe that he or she may cheat again – given the opportunity. While infidelity is one the greatest forms of betrayal, many of types of behavior fall under the category of evidence-based jealousy. For example, continual lying or lying by omission can give a lover every reason to be suspicious and jealous. Why lie if there’s no reason for it? It is time to re-evaluate or reassess your relationship if your jealousy is evidence-based. At the very least, look into couples counseling or personal therapy.

The earlier you identify perceived jealousy without evidence, the earlier you can assess and address the issue. Here are few clues to assist you in assessing your lover’s behavior. If your lover has insecurity issues, find out where they originate from. Could they be reacting to a past betrayal with a former lover who cheated on them and broke their heart and now transferring those emotions to your current relationship? Is your lover insecure with their physical appearance, therefore, causing them to feel like you might be looking elsewhere? If the answer is yes to one or both of these questions, there are things you can do to remedy the problem before it gets out of hand. However, if your lover is imagining or perceiving evidence that is not true followed by “wild” accusations, this is an indicator of much more serious problem. If your lover is violating your privacy by looking through your cell phone, briefcase or personal belongings, this is a strong indicator that he or she has lost sight of basic relationship boundaries. If your lover’s behavior becomes increasingly obsessive and they begin to watch your every move or follow you in their car (stalking can occur within a relationship) or they want to control what you wear and who you socialize with, this is a RED FLAG. Do not be quick to dismiss this type of behavior. There is nothing flattering about obsessive behavior – be careful not confuse it with love.

Be observant and check in with yourself regularly. If you begin to feel uneasy or fearful of the relationship or your lover’s behavior, talk to someone you trust and respect. True love is not jealous.